Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
