How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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