Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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