We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
