I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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