why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
