2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
