dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
