I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
