It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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