obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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