He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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