I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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