Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
