Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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