I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
