now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize