Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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