Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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