so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
