Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's blow job season.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize