i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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