Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
