I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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