I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
