So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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