He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize