I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
