i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
