I love black thongs
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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