Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
