Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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