I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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