we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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