just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
