Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
