we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
