You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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