Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Randomize
