Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
