We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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