Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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