I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
