Where are you?
In a non slutty way
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
