I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
