"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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