i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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