just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
