I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
