so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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