His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
