Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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