i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
