I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
