i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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