She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
