Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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