I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
