a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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