There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
