she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
