k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
ttyl tear gas
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
