hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
