She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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