Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
