Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
