what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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