She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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