I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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