i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
