Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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