Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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